FEAR IS OUR OWN PERSONAL PRISON
Franklin D. Roosevelt said it best: “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”
I can relate to that. There are many moments in my life where my own fears and insecurities held me back. These fears stopped me from doing the things I loved, but through many tough lessons, I realized that these limitations were of my own making.
In a recent interview for Medium, Savio P. Clemente asked me some thought-provoking questions – here are some of my answers, but please go and read the full interview.
Why is failure so frightening?
Failure is frightening because we don’t want to lose face in front of others. My entire game changed when I stopped comparing myself to others’ successes and achievements and instead focused on what I was grateful for. Fear evaporates when met with courage and gratitude.
Fear itself is a good thing. It is an instinct, a self-defense mechanism designed to preserve our species. However, when left to our own devices, mostly in our minds, we can concoct the most amazing irrational fears. Most of my fears have come from not getting what I wanted or losing something I already had. When I had very little, I had a lot less fear. That stands to reason, right? When I enjoyed some success, I had more reason to be fearful. This is a paradox.
Learning to focus and live in the present is paramount to overcoming fear. Most of our anxiety is over something that hasn’t or may never happen. We are wasting our today worrying about tomorrow. The only day that genuinely matters is today. Do everything you can to live in the moment, and most of your fears will evaporate.
Dealing with failure
As I told Savio, I had major back surgery and three hip replacements starting over seven years ago. Until then, I had been “self-sufficient” and very active in the business. I was jogging 40–50 miles a week; I had four beautiful kids, a happy marriage, a house on the hill, a fantastic business, and an excellent reputation. What I wasn’t telling everyone was that I was scared to death. I had witnessed my dad’s long slow misery with his bone disease and multiple back surgeries. I was afraid that this was the beginning of the end for me. I was confident that because of the pain, life as I had known it was over. I began increasing my alcohol intake and didn’t cope well. I was in bed for two years and had legitimate reasons to play the victim. I isolated myself in my mental prison and hit rock bottom.
The Chance to Grow
I believe that certain negative situations give us a chance to grow. After five years of hard work, therapy, medical help, and helping others with similar issues, I can now see that I am no longer the person I was. I am a much better person than I was before.
My failure is the greatest thing ever to me and perhaps my loved ones. Our day is full of gratitude for what we have versus chasing what we do not. I know now that if I remain humble and fundamental, most of my expectations will be exceeded, and my life will be full of joy. I learned each of these priceless lessons through failure.
Failure limits our choices
There are so many downsides to failure; for me, being scared of failure meant limiting my choices in life. Fear hinders us all from being free and from becoming our true selves. It shuts down our self-confidence in doing things we are good at and much less the things we would like to do. I needed outside help to help me find my key. I am so grateful that I could find the roots of my fears and overcome them because I am now exceeding all my expectations.
I am now fully invested in doing the things that make me happy – I have gone back to photography (one of my first passions); I am learning to fly and will have my pilot’s license soon, I am currently writing a book, and yes, I permit myself to sing at the top of my voice, even though I may not be very good at it! All of these bolster my energy levels and give me joy.
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